The Only Acceptable Way To Remove Snow From Your Driveway Is With A Flamethrower
Here we are again in the miserable part of winter. Only scraps of the football season remain, we are still weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting, and a monster of a snowstorm has New York directly in her crosshairs. To be honest, I was feeling good about it because I spent a solid $1300 on a new snowblower to ensure I didn’t die of a heart attack while shoveling my driveway. You know how many years of Barstool Gold I could buy for $1300? A lifetime’s worth and that’s not just because my lack of healthy eating has shrunken my lifespan.
Wow, that got dark. Anyway, Wifey sent me this video and story she likely found while scrolling Facebook.
Source- One southwest Virginia man got a little overzealous when tasked with clearing his driveway after this most recent snow storm. Nathanael Caplinger decided to leave his shovel in the garage, and use his flamethrower to melt the snow instead. Caplinger told ABC affiliate WSET that he hates shoveling snow. So, after reading an ad in a magazine about a blowtorch, which advertised its usefulness in clearing snow, he decided to try it out. He bought one after researching the state and local laws and consulting with local officials. Caplinger said the flamethrower worked like a charm but emphasized the importance of using the device safely.
Public safety officials in Amherst where Caplinger lives said that while Caplinger’s method worked, it may not be for everybody. The official encouraged anyone who is thinking about using such a device to contact local officials first.
Son of a BITCH! I should have known someone south of the Mason-Dixon line would have done this at some point. Now this especially hurts because this story was apparently from exactly one year ago from today. I had never heard about it and based on the fact it’s trending again today, not many other people heard about it either. In fact, as we were about to get fist fucked by Old Man Winter last March, I fired this tweet out since this thought had been rattling in my head since the first time I picked up a snow shovel as a kid.
*I mean flamethrower but said blowtorch because I amn’t great with words, hence how I landed a job at Barstool*
I received various answers like it wouldn’t work, it would fuck up my driveway, or the melted snow would quickly turn my driveway to a sheet of ice.
Someone named Cajun Girl is telling someone who lives in Winterfell about how water freezes and turns to ice? Hey Cajey, you ever hear of a little thing called salt or if it’s 33+ degrees, evaporation? You know what, she just earned herself the soundbite.
Then again, I guess I’m a fucking idiot as well. How I never was able to find this video or story where local officials (AKA people hopefully at least marginally smarter than my dumbass) say that using a flamethrower to clear off your driveway of snow is just fine. Instead my poor ass spent $1300 on a one trick pony snowblower whose only use is blowing snow. It doesn’t shoot flames, melt snow, look cool as fuck, or can kill intruders like a flamethrower can. Rewatch that video. That guy is loving his life as he clears his driveway. True boss shit. Meanwhile my ass will be cursing the old gods and the new as I saunter up and down my driveway at 0.5 MPH on Sunday morning while 8-year old Clem and 2018 Clem are both shake their heads at 2019 Clem’s stupidity. And the ultimate insult to injury is that I already know someone THAT OWNS A FLAMETHROWER, would be willing to let me borrow it so I’m not shlepping in the snow, and he may be moving out of his house soon.
Fuck everything.